Winter Solstice 3

After the days of set up everything had already happened to me. As the Celebration kicked off with workshops I found myself drawn to work, as if I was scared to slow down. So I went for a yoga workshop called "Authentic Relationships". I figured that would be good for my intention for the new year. It pushed me past my zone of comfort to the point where resistance melted away and old hurts were revealed. As I sat there, holding the position and quietly crying I realized how I seldom have given myself a fair chance to try. I wouldn't ever test my true power because I'd somehow been convinced that I wasn't supposed to. Sure I could be strong, but just up to a certain point and certainly was not supposed to find out how strong I could be. I came out knowing that I am a warrior and that indeed I have the right to try, like everyone else. Without shame, without guilt, I have the right to try for and fight for what I want.
The physical work of the last days felt like nothing compared to this inner self-work. A new string was vibrating in my practice; dedication. When things got hard, I would dedicate the position or the exercise to my Guru. It would make me come through every time. I realized that this sense of dedication is present in my life as well and that it is everything to me. Without devotion my life seems very bleak and empty. It's no longer enough to live for myself alone, it hasn't been enough for a long time. I went for some lovely dvd-classes too, I just felt very drawn to them and I got exactly what I needed. The presence of the Masters was overwhelmingly healing. I was being called. Bliss was everywhere.

Akhand Paath
On Tuesday night I read in my first Akhand Paath. I read in English and I was stumbling on the words because it was 1am in the morning, but at some point I went gliding into a blissful state of just singing the praises of the Universe. My heart opened wide and I could have gone on forever.

White Tantric Yoga
Tantric was hard, blissful and freaky. Doors to a distant past blasted wide open and caleidoscopes of colour erupted in my 3rd eye. My back went out with the first meditation of the first day and dear Guru Simran Singh adjusted it for me. The most potent moments for me was hearing 700 people tune in together. The vastness of the echo of all these combined voices gave me chills. I decided to meditate for the two first days but signed up for monitor seva on the third day as there was a need and as I'd already gotten two whole days' worth. Little did I know how powerful the energy would be even standing on the sidelines... For the first meditation on monitor duty I was totally spaced out. For the second one I was coupled with a lady that I'd already partnered with on a previous day, as she needed a partner. We ended up doing several meditations together. At some point I was aware of a pushing process in my 1st chakra. I was birthing something. I was sitting but pushing, chanting as my body convulsed silently. I looked at my partner and her face was that of a mother of long ago and I thought I'm giving birth and my mother is here, holding my hand. In that place, in that circumstance it wasn't a strange thought at all. During the tantric days there were meetings for Amrit candidates. I'd been called out every single day since arriving so I decided to go. After a 12-hour 3rd day of Tantric, I got a couple of hours' sleep and made myself ready to show up to the call. I'd gotten new gear from dear Ravinder Singh who I had the pleasure of working with in the kitchen and who had a clothes' stand in the bazaar. Dear HarSimran Kaur lent me her Kirpaan. I was praying from my heart that I would be ready.